Mr. Ashby

Never again wonder what to do.

One hundred rules for any occasion, from a butler who spent forty years in one of the great houses.

Get The House Rules Read the first ten free
Mr. Ashby, a silver-haired retired butler in a charcoal waistcoat, standing in the doorway of his stone cottage
Portrait of Mr. Ashby

Manners are not a secret handshake for the rich. The rich are frequently dreadful at them. The best-mannered man I ever let through the front door was a plumber who came out on Christmas Eve to mend the boiler.

Manners are simply the business of making other people comfortable. They can be learned by anyone, in an afternoon, from a book.

Mr. Edmund Ashby, butler, retired, aged 71

If you have ever thought…

Then this is for you. Nobody is born knowing. Most people were simply never shown.

What this is not.

Not snobbery. The rules exist to make other people comfortable, not to catch them out.

Not a costume. You do not need money, a title or a tweed jacket. You need to know what to do on the night.

Not a lecture. One page per rule, the exact words to say, and a story from forty years in service.

One rule, as it appears in the book.

Every rule gets one page: the rule itself, the story behind it from forty years in service, the detail that matters on the night, and the exact words to say. Then a box to tick when you've tried it.

A hundred of these, grouped by the moments people dread: arriving, the table, conversation, dress, weddings and funerals, nights out, and the phone in your pocket.

Rule No. 1

The Doorway Rule

When you arrive anywhere, stop in the doorway and find your host before you find the drinks.

Count to three. Look for the person who invited you, go to them first, and thank them before you do anything else.

In forty years I watched a great many people walk into a great many rooms. The ones worth knowing always paused. Everyone else hurried in, as though the room might leave without them.

Say“You must be Claire. Thank you so much for having me.” Her name, then thanks. That is the whole trick, and hardly anybody does it.
Ink and watercolour sketch of a guest pausing in a doorway

Everything you need the night before.

Ink sketch of black tie: a dinner jacket and an evening gown

The dress-code ladder

White tie to casual, drawn and decoded. Never guess what “festive” means again.

Illustrated formal American place setting with numbered pieces

The table, drawn properly

Formal and everyday place settings, and the knife-and-fork signals for “resting” and “finished”.

A guest who won’t leave

“Shall I put the coffee on?” And, a little later, standing: “This has been wonderful. Thank you so much for coming.”

What to Say: thirty scripts

Night-before checklists

Wedding, funeral, interview, first date, meeting the parents, and four more. Tick and go.

The 30-Day Polish

One small habit a day, for people who want to become this, not just survive Saturday.

  1. Day 1Stop in the doorway of the next room you enter.
  2. Day 2Arrive at a friend’s home ten minutes after the stated time.
  3. Day 3Introduce two people, saying the honoured person’s name first.

I have a…

wedding Rules 64–69 funeral 70–73 first date 82 dinner party 58–61 job interview 80–81 meeting the parents 74–76 holiday dinner at someone else’s 77–78 office party 79 night out 83–90 good restaurant 91–94 black-tie invitation 49 group chat 95–100

The Butler’s Inspection

Fifteen questions, two minutes, and a rank from Hall Boy to Head of House. Answer honestly; nobody is watching.

Take the inspection
Pages from The House Rules PDF: the letter, a rule page and the dress-code ladder

The book

A 141-page illustrated PDF. Print the checklists and the table card, or keep it on your phone.

The House Rules digital edition open on a phone, showing the occasion picker

The digital edition

Every rule online, searchable by occasion, with your favourites and checklists saved. Included with the book.

The House Rules is at its launch price until December 31. On January 1 it goes up, and it will not come back down.

Cover of The Wedding Guest Guide

The Wedding Guest Guide

$7

What to wear, what to give, the plus-one question, the speech and the exit. Twenty-five pages for one wedding.

Get the Wedding Guide

The House Rules

$27

  • 100 illustrated rules, each with the exact words to say
  • 30 scripts for the moments that go wrong
  • Dress codes decoded, and the table drawn properly
  • Night-before checklists and fill-in letters
  • The digital edition, on any phone or laptop
Get The House Rules

Instant download. Read it, and if it is not useful, write within 30 days and I shall refund you in full. No questions asked.

Cover of The Holiday Handbook

The Holiday Handbook

$9

Thanksgiving to New Year: the host gift, the guest who won’t leave, the holiday tipping table and the thank-you notes.

Get the Holiday Handbook
The Household Collection: The House Rules, The Wedding Guest Guide and The Holiday Handbook

The Household Collection

All three books for $29. Separately, $35.

Get all three

Questions

What exactly do I get?

An illustrated PDF of 141 pages, and a code for the digital edition on this site, which works on any phone or computer. Both arrive the moment you buy.

Is it American or British etiquette?

American first, because that is where most readers live. Where British custom differs, from the finished position of your knife and fork to tipping in a pub, both are given.

Where do the rules come from?

Every rule was checked against leading etiquette authorities, including The Emily Post Institute and Debrett’s, and current American custom as of 2026. Where the experts disagree, the book tells you so.

Who is Mr. Ashby?

Mr. Edmund Ashby is a fictional retired English butler. His face and voice are made with AI, and he is written and looked after by a small team who care a great deal about good manners.

The stories are his. The rules are real: every one is checked against leading etiquette authorities and current custom. Mr. Ashby tells the stories; the manners are the point.

Write to [email protected] and a real person on the team will reply, usually within a day.

I only need it for one wedding. Is it worth it?

Start with the free first ten rules. If the wedding goes well, the other ninety will be waiting for the next one.